[F30] I asked my husband [M35] to clean our bed off, and four months later I did it for him. I'm tired of being his mother. Married five years.

This probably not as drastic as some issues here, so thank you for your time.

My husband just finished up grad school this last spring. He burned out really hard towards the end, because he took on a side job that was way more work than he anticipated. Whatever. I was doing as much as I could to help around the house, etc. School ended, and so did his side gig, which was seasonal. I expected he'd spend a few weeks enjoying the lack of work, but I thought eventually he'd step it up at home.

Our bedroom got really messy, and instead of sleeping in bed together, we started sleeping on the couch. This is something we used to do on our pull-out, but we agreed it was a bad habit and that we wouldn't do it any longer once we got a new couch... But we did anyways. This has consisted of me curling up on the lounge while he stretches out. I was going through a hard time at work, and a hard time with family, and just didn't have the time/energy to deal with the mess in our bedroom (as I always had before). I began to see the bed as a symbol for our marriage, how I basically have to do everything or it doesn't get done. I told my husband this, and he flinched, but didn't clean off the bed. A couple of months ago, I was leaving for a trip, and noticed the dog had thrown up on the bed, and told my husband, expecting him to clean it while I was gone. He didn't. I came back a week later, and the dog barf was still there.

I outright expressed to my husband that I felt I would have to clean it all or nothing would happen. He made a half-assed effort to clean off the bed, did a load of laundry or two, and gave up. He told me it hurt him to hear how it represented our marriage and that I didn't seem to want to put in the effort any more to set things right. The fact I've spent five years doing all the cleaning is lost on him.

The other day, I snapped and just cleaned everything up because I can't take it any more. It took me hardly any time at all to clean off the bed and change the sheets and clean the mattress--I knew it wouldn't take long, but I just wanted to see if he'd ever do it. Now I have my answer.

I feel like I did everything I could to tell my husband that I feel this is an example of how I have to be his mother, how nothing happens in our relationship unless I do it, and yet he still was fine letting it sit for four months, despite everything.

I can't help but feel incredibly resentful about this now. I don't think it's crazy to ask my unemployed husband with a ton of free time at home to do some simple chores around the house, and yet he couldn't do this one thing even though sleeping more restfully in our bedroom is beneficial for our individual health and our sex life.

Edit since a lot of you have hit on truth in your comments: Clearly, my husband has been struggling with depression--the last few years have been hard. He was injured on the job and after a very serious major surgery and a long recovery, he has had to change careers. This has taken its toll on both of us. I had to essentially function for both of us for many months while he was too injured to do much (he was bedridden for a month), and he had to struggle with recovery and chronic pain. I feel, and have expressed to him, that we have experienced the last two years very differently, and that he has developed a sort of learned helplessness. I no longer want to function as his caretaker, and he doesn't need it any longer. I know he has been depressed, but so have I. Yet here we are.

TLDR: I tried to wait out my husband on one simple chore--cleaning the bed. Despite asking many times and talking about it extensively, it didn't happen. Four months later I gave up and did it myself... Like I knew I would have to. I'm tired of the inequality of our relationship and don't even know how to address it any more.

Submitted August 26, 2019 at 04:51PM by hereigothrowinaway https://ift.tt/2Lbh83y