Should I (35F) try to make my child (14NB) reconsider their rejection of their assigned gender? Or should I continue affirming them although I see they are unhappy?

Hello r/relationships,

I have already posted this in the parenting subreddit, but I think it also fits here, as our problem has the potential to significantly impact the relationship between my child (14NB) and me (35F).

In order to comply better with the rules of this subreddit, I will start by phrasing my question more precisely:

Should I completely affirm my child in their gender expression (including pronouns) and rejection of their biological reality? Or should I risk disappointing them and seeming like a transphobe by gently confronting them with the problematic elements of their approach to gender? The time frame of this conflict/problem is approximately the last two years.

So, here goes, thank you to all who are willing to read all this (reading the tldr just isn't enough I'm afraid).

I am hoping for some advice/feedback on how to handle my child's struggle with their gender identity.

(Please only answer if you are generally open and accepting of LGBTQ people and willing to discuss the subject with respect and nuance. This is about a child's wellbeing, not conspiracies or ideology etc. Sorry but this topic seems to be very controversial, so I felt I had to make this request).

My child is 14 years old and identifies as non-binary. They were born female but given a gender neutral name (which is perceived as more masculine in out country than in English speaking countries). Here I will use the name "Alex" instead of real names.

Alex has two siblings, Henry (M, 4 yo) and Maxine (F, 11 yo). I am their mother, and I'm 35 years old.

Henry and Maxine are healthy and happy kids, but Alex has always struggled. The last seven years, Alex has seen four different therapist, two different psychiatrists and we have been to different specialised parenting classes. Alex has been diagnosed with depression, an anxious hypersensitive personality, ADHD and some minor autistic traits (not enough to be classified as autism). They take medication for their ADHD and antidepressants. Alex currently goes to a school for children with mental health problems after being bullied and dropping out of their old school.

Now, most problems are now taken care of/ under control. But there is still the issue with their gender identity, which has received very different feedback from various professionals around Alex. We had one psychiatrist push really aggressively for Alex to be put on puberty blockers, which we declined because Alex doesn't want to and also the most significant changes have already taken place years ago (breast development, menstruation). Then we have Alex' therapist who keeps using female pronouns for Alex against their wish and is utterly confused by the whole concept of gender dysphoria etc. She says Alex just needs positive reinforcement of "her" femininity and thinks I set my child up for this situation by giving them a masculine name and a gender neutral upbringing (all my children can wear what they want, play with dinosaurs AND dolls etc,...). My therapist thinks I need to be a better role model by positively emphasizing my identity as a woman. Alex' teachers however don't see their non binary identity as problematic, and use their chosen pronouns.

Personally, I am very unsure what is the best approach here. So far, I have respected Alex' wish, regardless of whether they're around to hear me or not. But I can't say it has been easy or feels right. In our language there is no gender neutral pronoun like "they" (which Alex would prefer), so Alex' pronouns are the masculine ones. Whenever I speak of Alex, I have to say he/him/his in our language, which makes people think I have a teenage son. But Alex doesn't see themself as a trans boy and doesn't dress like one either. They wear skirts, use make-up, want to cosplay as female manga characters etc. For all of us, how we speak and what we see with our eyes does not fit together. I wish I could say it is getting easier after using these pronouns for nearly two years now, but it's not. It's exhausting. I never slip up, but I also don't feel comfortable.

Which of course wouldn't be important at all, as long as Alex is happy, but they are not. They say whenever people call them "miss" or "she" (and obviously everyone who doesn't know them assumes they are a girl, like shopkeepers etc) it feels like an insult, and it hurts. Alex says they hate everything that is feminine about their body (but also doesn't want facial hair or a penis etc), and is repulsed by the idea of being perceived as "girly" or "womanly". To me that sounds a lot like internalised misogyny, which I find problematic. I have talked to Alex about how I wish they/we could work on accepting themself without rejecting the female parts of their body, or the perception that comes with it. Alex thinks that approach is transphobic. They say people who see them as a girl are ignorant bigots. This leads to Alex rejecting most of their peers at school, including those who are well meaning but unaccustomed to the kind of language used in the LGBTQ community.

I want Alex to be more open and relaxed about gender, and to understand that female pronouns do not mean that they are required to conform to feminine stereotypes.

We are a very queer family, my husband and I are both bi (as is Alex), we both defy gender norms in many ways. Personally I have described myself as genderqueer at times in the past (as an adjective), because I don't feel especially "womanly" whatever that means, there is a significant difference between myself and many women I have met who are very feminine and who like to invoke a feeling of sisterhood with other women. I will never be one to have a "girls only" night or something like that. Still I don't reject femininity at all, I am comfortable being called a woman, a wife, a mother. It's just what I am, it doesn't mean I have to behave a certain way, or dress a certain way, it's just how I was born. "Woman" to me is just a neutral term to me. Why is it such a burden, a slur, to my child?

I feel really conflicted, because I believe it is very important for Alex to learn to love (or at least accept) their body (as it is, or by transitioning if they should change their mind). I also want Alex to feel like they belong in this world and society as it is, not like they are a victim of misgendering and microagressions every day. I think insisting on male pronouns while presenting mostly feminine is reinforcing this sense of being broken or not belonging that Alex has. And of course increases the bullying, which Alex doesn't handle well.

On the other hand, I do have a lot of respect for Alex' courage to rebel against a flawed system (why is so much unnecessarily gendered in our society?) and embracing being different. I want to honor that and their individuality. I want to make Alex feel loved and fully accepted, including how they express their gender.

How do I help them find the right path for themself? How do we discuss gender and get to the root of this disgust for all things female without Alex thinking I am second guessing their whole identity?

All the "experts" say completely different things, and I am the only one in this family who has a nuanced perspective. Maxine sees Alex as her brother, Henry sees Alex as his sister. My husband accepts Alex' pronouns choices but slips up every day, all other relatives say "he" when Alex is around but "she" behind their back.

I am hoping that some of you can relate or have experienced something similar. I am thankful for all kinds of (kind, thoughtful) replies and advice! Thank you

(If you think this belongs in a different subreddit, please let me know).

tl;dr: My 14 yo non-binary teen struggles with their sex/assigned gender and how they are perceived by others. Conflicting advice from different professionals leaves me confused about how to help them. I would appreciate advice!

Submitted May 03, 2023 at 03:13AM by JuliaMai7323 https://ift.tt/eYoO2Cf