Hi Reddit,
My husband and I are expecting our first child this summer with a due date of August 1. We visited my parents last Christmas and told them that we were expecting, and although their initial reaction was lukewarm, my mom ended up being very excited about it and I felt closer to her through the shared experience of pregnancy.I have a somewhat complicated relationship with my parents, especially my mom. Growing up, there was some abusive behavior which I am still sorting out in therapy. My mom has attempted to reconcile some of it with me, and I still want to maintain the relationship, but she is not usually someone I can rely on for support. She doesn't understand my needs and desires very well, and can often be very inconsiderate. I initially thought that I definitely wouldn't want my parents there for the birth of our child, but while I was with my family at Christmas time, I ended up feeling more connected to her than ever, and learned that her birth plan for me and my sister was actually quite similar to what I hoped I could do. While I was there, it really seemed like a lot of the past had finally been smoothed over, and I could actually confide in her about my thoughts, something I never thought would happen. When she asked if I might like a "welcome committee" of family members to come out for the birth of the child, she was strikingly humble about the request and I really felt considered by the way she spoke, so I initially agreed to this. I had been worried she was going to impose her opinions and ideas about pregnancy and child rearing on me, but she unexpectedly gave me a lot of space to speak for myself on these matters.
However, as the pregnancy has progressed, and she is beginning to plan a visit from the "welcome committee," I have a lot of concerns. It has become clear that her considerate behavior over Christmas was more the exception than the rule. She has begun sending me fear-inspiring YouTube videos and advice about what not to eat during pregnancy, and even called me in the middle of my workday to express concern about what vaccines I would give our child. She had initially offered to make her baby shower gift a rocking chair like her mother gave to her, but when I found one I wanted, she tried to talk me out of it and sell me on a secondhand one, and basically did whatever she could to spend as little as possible on the gift. I have learned that my dad, who can often rein in her excesses, is not planning to come out with her, is not considered to be part of the "welcoming committee" and instead plans to come out for a weekend after the baby is born. The committee, consisting of my mom and her mom, intends to stay at my husband's parents house for almost a month around the due date to make sure they do not miss the birth.
After talking with our birth doula and my therapist, both of them strongly advised against having my family around for such a long time and thought it would be best if they all took my dad's approach and came out to meet the baby after the birth. I had a long chat with our doula about this where she cited many experiences where family, even with the best of intentions, can add unnecessary stress to the birth and transition to new parenthood. Additionally, every visit my mom has made to our area has been terribly stressful for me as I felt she has ignored my boundaries and taken advantage of my resources. One time, she invited her parents at the last minute on a "birthday" visit for me, and her domineering dad made me cry in front of everyone by mocking me while I was opening gifts. He then proceeded to use the trip as his personal tour of the area we live in, all but forgetting the occasion they were invited for. When my mom comes out, she always stays with my husband's family as a matter of course, and always relies on us for transportation since they don't live near public transit and she never rents a car. It's not like we aren't fine with giving her a place to stay or a ride, but when she just turns up with no backup plan, we feel like we are being used. I feel responsible to prevent this plan from happening, since my mom lacking boundaries with her own family exposed me to a lot of negative situations when I was a child, and I especially don't want a repeat of that when it affects my child.
I suggested our alternative plan to my mom over the phone, but my first attempt did not go well. I initially used the explanation that I didn't want the presence of family being here for such a long time to make me feel rushed or under pressure if I went past my due date. She didn't understand, and said that I wouldn't feel under pressure because they were self-sufficient and wouldn't need anything from me, so she didn't see why she should change her plans. I also brought up that I only wanted my husband, our doula, and the midwives in the room for the birth, and my mom was fine with that, but she still wanted to be there the day of the birth to "sneak into the birth center for a visit" because she "was NOT missing the birth of this baby."
I talked to my husband and we are thinking the next course of action is to call her and say in no uncertain terms that we have thought about things, and now that the birth is getting closer, we have decided that we would prefer to have some quiet time leading up to and immediately after for the two of us to bond with the baby before anyone visits, and we would happily welcome visitors the next week for a short time. This is going to be hard on her because she is so adamant about being there for the birth, and I am definitely going to hurt her feelings and it might have a long term effect. I am worried that I am not even going to be able to convince her that we are serious, and she might spend a long time questioning me and bringing up things to make me feel guilty for making this choice. I feel bad for going back on our initial plan, and stupid for believing that things would be different this time. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
tl;dr Need to tell my mom, with whom I have a complicated past relationship, that I don't want her to come out from the birth of my child. Hoping to minimize negative repercussions.
Submitted May 18, 2023 at 08:51PM by No_Assumption2393 https://ift.tt/uV2YW1x
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