My husband (31m) and I (30m) got married this year after 5yrs dating and it’s been a mess.
When we got our own apartment 4 yrs ago, he hated his retail job. He didn’t get along with coworkers, some were homophobic. He has rheumatoid arthritis, so cleaning and standing his entire shift caused him pain.
I thought maybe it wasn’t worth it for him to work a job that made him so unhappy and paid him so little. I told him that if he wanted to find a better job willing to accommodate his disability, I would cover our expenses for a few months.
We talked about how that would work. How letting him be unemployed for a while would help him focus on finding a better doctor and therapist as his therapist got pregnant and was retiring soon. He said if we went down that road he would want to do most of the chores to make up for not bringing in an income, that it was the right thing to do.
A year later, March 2020 he got laid off. I got a job at a call center, and they let me work from home.
He got depressed about being laid off, but also excited to have a break, and since he is immunosuppressed from his RA, we decided not to risk Covid and not put pressure for him to find a new job. He agreed to do what we’d talked about in the past.
Long story short, this didn’t happen. He did help with dinners about 1-2x a week, did the weekly trash, not much else.
When we’d argue, rarely, every few months, it was over chores. But most days we made each other happy. We started talking marriage in 2021, got engaged in 2022. We decided we wanted to build a restorative life together - working to heal and support each other to grow and have a healthy life.
Late last year, I started having scary health issues, extreme headaches, fatigue, fevers, body aches. I still don’t know what’s wrong and am in and out of doctors getting tests done but I was recently told I may have a lymphoma. There is a strong history of cancer in my family so this isn’t surprising, but still extremely scary.
We eloped early this year and fight constantly now, about chores. I’m a shift manager and have more responsibility due to quotas, so it’s hard to get time off for my health issues. I feel sick every day and work alone feels like more than I can handle. My husband spends his days sleeping, smoking weed, playing video games. He hasn’t been in therapy since his last therapist retired, but he did get a new better doctor.
I work 45-55hrs a week, pay all our bills, do all of our grocery shopping, cook 2-5 times a week, order out when I can’t cook. I don’t clean as often as I used to, but I would say I’m still tidying up 5 times a week and usually spend 2-4hrs cleaning on weekends to catch up.
When my husband and I used to argue, we’d eventually calmly find mutual understanding. He has a hard time controlling his emotions - he is NOT violent, but does stomp around, cry/sob, slam doors, throw things (never AT me) but we can normally get to a calm discussion.
Not anymore. He says things that are hurtful that I don’t know how to respond to. He says I “never” compromise, “always” assume the worst, always “overreacting”, “making a big deal out of nothing.” He’ll sometimes shut himself in the bedroom for hours, or overnight so I sleep on the couch. When I tell him he’s hurting my feelings, he says he feels insulted/hurt that I think negatively of him. He says I’m always the one making things into an argument, he can never make me happy or say the right thing. He says I’m “always projecting onto him”. He often speaks over me & when I ask him to stop, in an exasperated tone and say “fine! Talk then!” “I’m letting you speak now!” “Say what you wanted then!” When I try to point out behaviors that upset me, he says “I guess I’m the bad guy” “you think I’m a horrible person” “you win, I don’t do anything right”. I don’t know how to respond to any of this!
He was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, but no longer believes he has it or needs meds for it. He takes antidepressants. He’s told me he’s miserable and trying but… it doesn’t seem like he’s doing anything to improve his circumstances or get help.
I love him, I want to continue to be patient, to work through this, but I am sick, might have cancer and he’s adding to my stress and not fighting “fair” anymore. I don’t want to “force” him to do anything when I never wanted to have this much control over his life in the first place. He lost his ID and cards months ago, hasn’t replaced them, so I can’t even send him money to take care of his own needs. He says his illness and fatigue is why he doesn’t do things - but has nothing to say about my being sick and exhausted too.
We don’t live in a state that allows annulment so if I want to end things I have to start the complicated and expensive task of divorce and we haven’t even been married 6 months. This wouldn’t change our living situation as we’re both on the lease, and forcing him into homelessness is against my ethics.
What do I do? How do I help him help himself? Or hold him accountable to change without leaving him vulnerable/helpless?
TL;DR summary - 30m & 31m, married this year after 5 yrs of dating - my husband has been unemployed since 2020 and doesn’t help around the house like he promised, and is starting to act mean and self loathing in arguments and doesn’t seem to understand or respect my feelings and is unsupportive in my time of need while I am sick and working full time. He is not in therapy and spends most of his time smoking weed, sleeping, or playing video games because he is depressed and has chronic pain from rheumatoid arthritis. He is unhappy with me because I have been unable to contribute to keeping up with our household needs as much anymore due to my illness, and feels like I am impossible to please and argumentative. He knows I’m unhappy, and doesn’t want our marriage to end or to lose me, but doesn’t know how to fix it.
Submitted May 15, 2023 at 03:27AM by gaymer8675309 https://ift.tt/t42qr6T
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