Tl;dr- need resources/ideas for managing relationship with father whose aggression creates life threatening situations.
For context: My father was violently abused as a child in the most brutal way. As a result he is hair-trigger aggressive and especially reactive to pretty much anything outside of his house. In the house he is as loving as he is capable of being. He is married. He manages to interact moderately normally when around other people, but when it’s just me and my sibling he has no restraint whatsoever. We grew up literally running or cowering to get away from the verbal and physical fights he’d get in with complete strangers who crossed him. From childhood I often was in the position of having to defuse his volatile situations to try and cover for him or convince others not to call the cops (or call them off). He has not mellowed out as he ages.
In the past three years during the handful of visits we’ve had police have been involved about 1/3rd of the time we go out in public. During one of these incidents I was put up against the wall, IDed, and held too while everything got sorted out. Someone pulled a gun on him last year during a road rage incident and I’m sure it’s not the first time. I no longer drive with him after repeated intentional accidents where he doesn’t yield to asshole drivers (if someone cuts him off he doesn’t budge and lets them crash into him — he drives an old beater specifically to facilitate this) and the last time I ever drove with him he played chicken with another truck with me screaming in the passenger seat. If the other truck hadn’t given way I could have been crushed between them. It was horrific.
I’m in my hometown to try and recover from major surgery and a devastating end to my engagement. Today we went for a walk and a car was going about 120mph in a residential zone and he jumped in front of it and tried to hit it. I started screaming in terror, he could have been killed right in front me. He looked me in the eye, and said that for someone like that to get 20 years in jail was worth his life if it saved a kid. I close my eyes and see him getting killed by this car over and over again.
This has been my life. I don’t tell people about it anymore because nobody can relate except my sibling. She is low contact with him. He and I are closer and get along well with these glaring exceptions. I don’t want to cut him off at all but the only solution I can think of is not to be with him in public anymore for any reason. He is not a bad person, he never beat us, and he can be so kind and loving but his rage is unpredictable, violent and dangerous. I can’t tolerate this anymore.
It’s a question of when not if he’s going to be killed in a situation like this. I’ve been bracing for it since my earliest memories and I’m honestly surprised he survived as long as he has.
What on earth can I do to protect my sanity and safety here while preserving some relationship with my father?
Submitted May 04, 2023 at 10:12PM by BlueSparklesXx https://ift.tt/zwJD9pj
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