My wife (35F) comes from a well to do family, whereas I (35M) do not. She has had a habit of overspending and running up credit cards. This isn't our first rodeo - we've been married for 7 years, and combined finances early on in our marriage to knock out the debt she had been hiding. Boundaries established. Expectations about lying made clear. Discussion on financial goals. Move on.
Two years later the same thing happened with her CC again, again with lots of hiding and lying about it. Boundaries established. Expectations about lying made clear. Discussion on financial goals. Move on.
Repeat another time a year later. Repeat expectations.
Through the course if this my wife came into a bit of inheritance. First, she used it as a quickfix for when she ran up the card. But since doing that several times she then made it a regular habit. Asked her how the card was doing? Fine, it's paid off. I asked her that every month since the last time it 'happened'
I finally started looking up how much the makeup she was purchasing was because I know it's not cheap and I saw the volume of packages coming in. Asked her the amount that she typically has to pay in a month. Insert a BS number. Press the issue - insert another, slightly higher BS number. Press the issue, higher still BS number. Finally ask to just see the statements, which I don't like to do because I would rather just trust the person I am with to tell the truth.
Side note: at this point in the timeline we're trying to scrimp and save, pay the mortgage and the bills, but also live a nice life and try to save up for a down payment on her next car (which needs to happen because hers is older) and try to travel before potentially having children. Get some plane tickets, explore the world a bit. I've got my half of the bill covered. She spent her half.
I look through the statements and she was regularly running up on average $1500 a month on the CC for the past 10 months or so, and just pulling from her windfall to pay off the card every month.
MIL is on the account and sees everything going on, and her view is "it is her money, after all" and that it doesn't concern me. We have a family conversation about collective financial goals, to which all agreed that boundaries on using that account would be good.
Fast forward several months and the conversation about boundaries went in one ear, out the other. Spending habits didn't change, nor did the lying about it. This time I was tired of boundaries getting crossed and her response was 'I don't want you policing me, it's my money I'll do what I want with it.' In the words of a friend - boundaries consistently getting crossed are like an 'if - then' statement. 'if - then, then - what?'
I don't want to throw the baby out with the bath water because we have a good life together, and while I understand the point she has, the issue for me is the enabling of unhealthy habits and lying/obfuscating to cover it up. It's also frustrating because we have our goals which, if she would curb the spending habits, are entirely attainable and then some - NOT that I want her to pay my way. I can pay my own, but she makes it to where she can't pay hers. This is also not the only part of our lives where I've seen this trend of telling half truths and basically hiding things.
How do I address the constant crossing of boundaries, especially with regards to something I'm told I have no business concerning myself with?
Halp.
TL;DR: My wife has a bad retail therapy habit and lying about, but it's her money. In the process my boundaries get crossed, but what can I even do about that?
Submitted November 21, 2021 at 08:07AM by InfiniteOrigin https://ift.tt/3oUH6w9
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