My partner(30) has bad hygiene and living habits and I(27) am starting to feel resentful and disgusted

Hey, so I have been seeing this person for over half a year and we live separately. Recently, I am starting to feel disgusted by their low hygiene standards + their messy living habits. First of all, I am someone who takes care of myself very well. I love being neat, organized, clean, fresh, etc and I of course adore others who take care of themselves the same way. I feel this is a trait that's very respectable and admirable because it takes effort and energy to care a lot for oneself. I am also quite a germaphobe but it's not so severe that I clean myself every 5 minutes you get the gist. Anyway, so I am asking for advice because my partner is the complete opposite of me and I am starting to doubt my future with them and I feel very disheartened.

Note that I was not aware of their living habits at the beginning of the relationship as it took a while before either of us started going over to each other's place. It was only when I started coming over at their place that I found out their room is a mess. They leave their clothes and bath towels lying around, the desk is cluttered and disorganized, a bed with pillows and stuffed animals all over the bed and floor. They also have a pet bird and the bird occasionally takes dumps on the bed and furniture which stain the bedsheets and whatnot and they only use a wet wipe to clean it off (this is still ok). However, sometimes I spot the bird's dumps on the pillows and bedsheets that have not been cleaned off and it kinda puts me off. I feel I also need to include that they have a housemaid so the maid is the one cleaning up their room all the time. I'm not sure but I feel this might have contributed to their laziness. They also have ADHD but I have heard from others who have ADHD that being unclean and messy is not associated with ADHD.

Anyway so back on topic, I have observed several times the way they maintain their hygiene and take care of themselves is quite disappointing to say the least. For example, they do not flush properly after relieving themself #2 because I can see the stains left in the toilet bowl. I have noticed this twice when I stayed at hotels with them. Two separate hotels this happened each time. The first time I just ignored it and thought they probably did not check but boy was I wrong. It happened again another time so I know they definitely just don't care what mess they leave behind. They also don't wash their hands properly. They just let the water run from the sink and swipe their hand under the running water. No soap, no scrubbing, nothing. Another thing I noticed is they also seem to only shower for about 5 minutes because they're always out soon after they enter the shower. They don't wash their hands before and after handling food either. I have discussed this one with them a few times that hygiene is important when handling food and they just said they didn't know it was a thing... like no one taught them... They also used to eat in their bed all the time leaving crumbs and bits of food on it until I nagged so much and finally caved and bought them a desk to eat on.

Another thing I am bothered by is their living habits. So back then, I used to have a messy room too as I was dealing with depression and they have seen my room. However, in the last month or so after a long struggle with depression I have completely cleaned up my room and began to take better care of myself such as being more active and working on my hobbies. My partner on the other hand has not really done anything to improve their life even though they have been planning and talking about it. I support them and encourage them but it is starting to wear me down because this "talk" has been going on for a while already. They don't seem to have a solid plan on what steps to take and I have encouraged them to seek therapy and they agreed but I don't know if they will walk the talk. I do not want to nag at them either. Another thing about their living habits is, I notice if they have no work for the day they seem to just play video games or sleep. I feel like they are just lounging around all day doing nothing. They are also quite overweight although not obese which is something that they have told me makes them insecure and I have encouraged them that it would be good to work out a bit if they are feeling bad about their weight but they haven't bothered to do anything with it. I don't mind it myself but more so the fact that they expressed being unhappy about it but do nothing about it.

Sometimes I feel like I am a mom because I have to pick up their mess and tell them to clean up and stuff. I have talked to them before about cleaning themselves better and to clean up their room etc but it seems like they just can't be bothered to put in much effort. They are always telling me they are stressed out and stuff (they get burnt out a lot from work) so I try to be sympathetic and let them rest but nothing changes. I don't even feel like having sex with them anymore because I am losing attraction to them and their lifestyle turns me off so much.

I don't want to sound judgmental but I care about how my partner lives and cares for themselves because a partner is someone you see your future with and when it doesn't seem to be compatible with your lifestyle and living habits it's very discouraging. Recently I have been having second thoughts and doubting our future together because I feel I can't live with someone like that, much less if we were ever to move in together. We had discussed moving in together in the past but after seeing the way they live and their habits I am put off by the thought of living with them.

I have been compromising and turning a blind eye to it all until recently that I suddenly realized I have second thoughts about our future together.

What should I do? I don't know what else I can do. I have already talked with them about practicing better hygiene standards and taking better care of themselves but it's obvious our standards are very different because they don't feel the need to put in that much effort while I feel otherwise. I don't want to keep nagging at them either because I have been doing that a lot and they have expressed that "I am too much of a clean freak unlike others". I know I have mentioned that I am losing attraction but I don't want to give up yet. I am here to ask for advice as I still appreciate my partner and want to stick with them still but it is getting harder and harder because the resentment is growing the more all of this continues. I have considered asking for a break but they are currently experiencing another burn out so I feel I should not be doing this right now but I am struggling so much internally I am at a lost.

TLDR: Partner has low hygiene and living standards while I am the complete opposite. I am starting to feel resentful and bitter and am feeling a lot of doubts for our future together but don't want to give up just yet. I would like some advice on what to do. Please tell me how I can save this relationship. I am tired and feel we are incompatible but I want to still try because I feel sad about ending things (I cry just thinking about it because I feel we can be so much more if we work together) and I don't want to end things because I adore them even though I feel we are incompatible.

Edit: I'm leaving out genders to keep it gender neutral so there wouldn't be any gender biaseness going on. I also won't correct any of the gender assumptions for the same reason.

Edit 2: Reading all these comments make me so much sadder. Im so lost

Submitted November 02, 2021 at 10:30PM by 020520211257 https://ift.tt/3mFpVyt