My friend (M30s) had trouble with maintaining long term relationships when we lived in the same city, but he was always a good guy - hopeless romantic, average looks but good shape, sensitive and sweet, and we (his female friends) hoped he would find a nice relationship eventually.
He moved back home and got married rather quickly to a woman he met through online dating. He brought her to our city and our friends welcomed her positively - as courtesy because she is the woman our friend chose to marry. She was definitely “quirky” and not quite the type we imagined for him, but she seemed hyper-intelligent and I’m sure they had good conversations (as he’s quite intelligent himself.)
We we’re supportive and added her to our social media accounts and stayed in touch after they returned home.
Fast forward and she’s posting Instagram stories with new men - his social media feeds are same as always and doesn’t signal any change.
Every time she posts with a new man, he’s always “the most beautiful human”, “such a beautiful soul”, “we connected on a new level”, and all these wonderful things. She barely posts about how “wonderful” our friend is.
I ask him about it and he explains they have an open relationship, that “he’s happy if she’s happy”, it’s consensual and all that. My friends and I were puzzled but tried to be accepting as he insists he’s fine with it.
But it’s been over a year, and as HIS friend, as much as I want to be understanding, I can’t help but feel defensive and worried that he’s being shafted. It would be different if they were both signaling the same thing, if they both seemed happy in alternative relationships or if she appreciated him AND her other partners equally, but what I get from her social media (which is curated based on what she wants to signal to the world) she’s happy with every man BUT him.
She also seems to make being “poly” her entire social media identity as her stories are always about the things “monogamous” people say that bother her, stories about dates, and reshares from other poly accounts.
I know that it’s none of my business and monogamy isn’t for everybody, I actually don’t care if they want to have multiple partners, and if they were not married and just having tons of open casual relationships I could wrap my head around that - but I can’t help but wonder why they are married.
It feels like a public declaration to the world that you’ve committed to someone - and I feel like as friends, we accepted her under false pretenses, but now are being exposed to something that just intuitively feels off when she has glowing praise for all these new men and my friend, her husband, doesn’t seem to get any recognition for the wonderful man that he is??? It just seems unfair but I don’t know how to have that discussion with him.
He’s told me I can “DM her directly any time I want clarification”, but I don’t know her that well, and I’m afraid of ending up on blast on her stories like others apparently have.
I was talking to another female friend and she also brought up how it made her uncomfortable and now I know it’s not just me that’s feeling this way, so I’ve been stewing on it a bit today.
I wish I could post anonymously because I’m sure this is riddled with indoctrinated monogamous beliefs that I need to unlearn, but I genuinely want to understand why this is happening and how I can be supportive without feeling like I need to be defensive for my friend every time one of her posts pop up. Explain it to me like I’m five please?
TLDR: How can I be supportive of my friend in a polyamorous marriage when from the outside it feels one-sided?
Submitted November 22, 2021 at 10:30PM by trashbox555 https://ift.tt/3nHmGau
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