I'd like to preface this by saying this is the only form of social media I have that he doesn't stalk. And that's because he doesn't know my username and deleted his Reddit. We have been together for 6 years.
I deleted my Facebook and he thought I had just blocked him. He searches me. He googles my name. He googles variations of my name. He found my MySpace from when I was 12 that I can't remember the info to delete. My Instagram is probably his home screen. I deleted a bunch of selfies because it seemed pointless to have, but I posted one and he asked about it. Like why are you posting selfies?
If I'm on my phone (which is often, yes, my Mom texts a lot, my sister texts a lot, and my best friend and I talk all day) he goes "your Mom?" "Your sister?" "Roberto?" Like asking who it is I'm talking to. He's on his phone all day playing games, why does it matter if I talk to my fucking family?
There's this shit stain named Angelo that I dated. And he was blocked from everything I have, but used his work phone to contact me. I politely told him to delete my number, blocked that number, and immediately told my husband so he wouldn't think I was hiding anything. Well apparently when I made my instagram public for all of four seconds, Angelo was able to find it and add me. I did not see this, and my husband goes onto the Instagram he made for our dog (lol) and said WHY IS HE FOLLOWING YOU and I literally handed him my phone crying my eyes out with my list of followers and said his name is not there, he is blocked, IG can glitch, take my fucking phone. And he did realize it was a glitch and I am not secretly talking to that scumbag on IG, but I'm sure he thinks I am elsewhere. I hate Angelo. I didn't even tell my husband that Angelo texted me from multiple friends' numbers. I didn't answer, I blocked every one, but my husband will just think the worst of me so why even tell him at this point. Fucked if I do, fucked if I don't.
My husband was clingy from the start of our relationship. I worked as a bartender and he showed up to nearly every shift, which seemed like a sweet gesture at the time. At my latest job, he showed up to tons of shifts I was working as well. He always made it seem like he was visiting because he felt I was having a bad day, but truthfully I think he just didn't believe I was there. One time I was leaving work, after close so he wasn't coming to "visit", and I drove right by him: I guess he was coming to check if my car was in the parking lot? It's as if he is looking to see if I am where I say I am, and it is beyond exhausting.
He has absolutely no trust or faith in me whatsoever. If I am going to see a friend, I can expect an attitude. My best friend is a male. We have been best friends for 10 years. There is nothing going on there, there will never be anything going on there, and he has met and hung out with him multiple times. But he always makes comments and pointed remarks. Then he tries to seem really upbeat and supportive because he doesn't want to come off as controlling. But at the end of the day, I know my husband, and I think he always believes I have one foot out of the door and going out with friends is going to push the other.
I feel like my entire life is controlled because no matter where I go or what I do, I should be home instead. I feel like I am constantly being watched and checked on. I feel like I cannot go anywhere to breathe. If I'm out, I absolutely feel obligated to "check in" multiple times. I was watching basketball with my best friend and I sent him fucking videos of the TV. There's a huge difference between saying "hey, I'm safe, I love you" and feeling the need to prove I am where I am. I always get an attitude when I get home, too. If I try to talk about it, he denies it.
I went to a Halloween party at a lesbian friend's place and he completely stalked her social media. Made tons of jokes about the girls looking at me. Like every single thing in this world is a threat to him and our relationship.
I used to have a social life. I used to have friends. I've been trying hard to get that back but when there's absolutely no trust or faith in me, it makes me feel guilty as shit about going out. I remember when we lived in our old house, I was going out to take one of our dogs to the park and he pulled my shorts down and asked why I was wearing sexy panties. He said it was a joke when I had confronted him about it later, but come the fuck on.
He used to ask why I looked so sexy or so good to go out. I got mad about it and he stopped. If I go out, I now purposely wear like, a fucking sports bra and sweatpants so he doesn't feel the need to worry as much. I love makeup, I enjoy makeup, but lately it's like, god forbid I'm wearing it and I'm seeing my male best friend. Last time I went out he said "Oh, felt like doing your makeup?"
It doesn't help that our sex life is a complete joke. Admittedly these past few months I haven't put in any effort. But why the fuck should I? Our foreplay consists of him shoving his tongue into my mouth (which I HATE) and sometimes jamming his fingers into my dry nether regions. It does not feel good. It does not bring me pleasure. I am on medication that makes it hard to get off, but it isn't impossible with a vibe. We bought a few toys and used them less than a handful of times. He's gone down on me about 5 times total and makes it obvious he hates it so I don't even push that anymore. I used to blow him at least twice a week. We have two positions. So no, I haven't been wax stripping myself raw and hopping on four times a week. And his way of initiating sex is saying "so I guess we aren't having sex because we just ate?" or some other bullshit. Maybe if our sex life wasn't your typical dead bedroom bullshit, I would care more. I don't. I'm so fed up with everything, sex where I don't get off but do it for him is the last thing on my mind (but yes, everyone, clearly I'm out cheating every time I'm out!)
He's also constantly asking if I'm okay. What's wrong? Are you okay? Everything okay? I can't sit on the fucking toilet for more than five minutes without getting asked for updates.
We have been to counseling. I am not an angel, I had a mental breakdown a year ago and fucked up big time. About a year ago, I moved out, told him we were done, and met someone else. And dated them. I didn't consider it cheating at the time because "oh I left and moved out" but it's a marriage, it was cheating. But god fucking damn it, I am better. I try. I try to show I care. I know I've been shutting down these past few weeks/month. I'm just so so tired of it all. I don't have the fight left in me.
I want to go to my best friend's tomorrow. We crush a few beers, sometimes have a shot or two, then play video games for hours. It's like a 12 year old boy's sleepover. I cannot stress enough that this friend is a brother and if humanity relied on us to procreate, humanity would be fucked. I pass out on his couch or recliner in his basement and he goes to his bedroom (a place I have never seen or been).
I wear a 3ct ring on my finger. I wear a picture of my husband in a fucking locket. What the fuck more can I do to make my husband realize I'm not cheating on him? I'm not hiding anything? I'm not flirting with anyone? I'm not trying to get attention? But my stomach is still turning at the thought of asking my husband if he minds if I go out. I'm already wrestling with whether it's even worth having friends because I'm too scared to ask about going out tomorrow. I'm probably not going to.
His irrational fear of losing me is actually making him lose me. I don't know how much longer I can stick this out. He's my husband and I love him, but we aren't going to survive this. I don't want to date and see other people. I just don't want to be married to this man. This man is not my husband. And I don't think I'm ever getting my husband back
Is it me? Am I fucking up? Tell me if it's me, seriously. I know I need to try harder, but fuck who would want to after all of that?
TL;DR my husband's fear of losing me is making him lose me and the amount he stalks me and clings to me is genuinely alarming.
Edit: Yes, I cheated. This behavior was around long before that. However, I do blame myself.
Edit 2: He has never EVER laid a finger on me. He has never threatened to hurt me. I know my rant is long but there are two sides to every story so despite everything said, he isn't violent and I'm not perfect.
Edit 3: Everyone is really pushing this abusive narrative and I am not calling him abusive. Insecure, yes. Clingy, yes. But I don't think this qualifies as abuse. Not to sound cliche, but when we're good, we're good. He's funny, he's caring, my family loves him.
Submitted November 11, 2019 at 01:06AM by NotoriousN-I-C https://ift.tt/2CysjiJ
No comments:
Post a Comment