Apologies for the delay, been a crazy past two weeks so I haven’t had the chance to get back to this. Big thank you to those who took time out of their days to reply. For those waiting for an update, here it is!
Here’s the first post for context: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/cfjii1/my_24m_so_31f_sleeps_with_her_guy_friends/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app
So I brought it up for discussion and the reason why she didn’t even consider it to be ‘wrong’ was because she doesn’t sexualize nudity. She says doesn’t do it around strangers. She further explained that the reason she’s comfortable with them is because they’ve been traveling as friends for a while. There have been instances in the past where they have seen each other naked (changing, skinny dipping, it’s way to hot while they were camping, etc). So they progressively just got more and more naked in front of each other to the point that they’d rather just be comfortable when they sleep (which is when they’re naked).
Although she finds them somewhat attractive, she’s only sexually drawn to people that she feels romantically or deeply connected with on top of being physically attracted. She assured me that she doesn’t want to have sex with them and that she trusts them to not take advantage of her.
Normally they sleep in separate beds but for that leg of the journey, they had to share a bed but she said they were both on the very opposite side of the bed so it’s as if the beds are separated.
As for the hookup in the past, she kissed one of them when they were drunk but she stopped it before it went further because she didn’t want to ruin the friendship and he agreed.
She’s very free spirited. (And as someone pointed out, yes she is indeed kind of a hippie). That being said, she considered my worries but she says values her independence and identity a lot due to issues growing up. Her changing her behavior would mean a change in her identity and that scares her.
She didn’t do it to spite me or disrespect me although she understands why a person would feel this way. Although we are serious with each other, our relationship is still in its infancy relatively speaking. Being free spirited, she doesn’t know how life would all end or if she’ll ultimately end up with me but she says as time passes and she feels more secure with me, she wouldn’t mind having this conversation again and make a compromise we’re both comfortable with.
She’s been very honest with everything so far and I have no reason to doubt her word outside of my insecurities. I agree that it doesn’t take much to just put something on but clothes or even marriage never stopped anyone from cheating if they really wanted to do it if you think about it. It’s not that I’m being a pushover. She just really values identity and independence (which really makes sense because she doesn’t like to put restrictions on me either). And if it’s her identity vs my insecurity, it really becomes a non issue. And it would be a shame to not be able to love/be loved by 100% of her if I don’t let her be 100% herself.
But this did bring up a dialogue about how we would proceed when another similar issue arises (difference in circumstance, culture, ideal, etc) or if there’s other things she does that are unusual (need to explore this more). We concluded that as long as were honest with each other and not pretend, we’ll reach a compromise. If nobody will budge, we’ll have to just take our separate ways and perhaps meet up again in the future (very himym).
We’re both ‘a catch’ in our own rights so we know what we would be leaving each other for if it came to that. We both are in love with each other but we love each other more (as people). We just want each other to be happy without being responsible for the other’s happiness and at the moment, we’re happy together. She loves me and has been honest with me so that should be enough.
TL;DR SO is comfortable sleeping in the nude with her guy best friends. Was insecure about it but her intentions were never spiteful or disrespectful, she just doesn’t sexualize nudity. I was a bit too focused on the action instead of the intention. Non issue now
Edit: Just for some more background info:
- Been together 4 months. Traveled together for a month so it got intense real quick
- Never really had the chance (or the need) to define the relationship just because of how well we communicated and worked together. The mindset is, if you wanna be together, you’ll just be together. But I guess that will have to be another conversation.
- Yes, we discussed boundaries but, like everyone here, I too assumed that it’s normal to not sleep naked with another dude so never really thought about it till it happened. When it happened, the guys were already way into their trip and I found out a few days before the dudes were leaving as they were only there for a week or so.
- as for the future, she’s traveling and I’m working while traveling. I’ll see her in a few weeks and then our next real attempt at a ‘normal relationship’ would be after Christmas when I’ll be based where she is. So then it’ll be another conversation. I’m very passionate about my work and she is passionate about travel/people. We push each other and challenge each other mentally so I didn’t want to focus on that one thing instead of everything else we can talk about/learn from each other with the limited time we have to chat.
- Yes I know it’s normal boundaries (trust me Im with you guys)... but the reason I call it insecurity is because i do trust her. She’s with me for a reason. So I’m focusing more on why she chose me instead of the chance that she would rather be with someone else.
- Yes I know there’s a possibility that her friends sexualize her. People will sexualize her no matter what tho. People used to sexualize ankles and wrists. But I’m dating her, not them so it really isn’t an issue for me.
- As someone who’s been with over a hundred women, i can see how naked bodies becomes normal and common place. For me, it really is the intention to share yourself with someone that changes that into something more.
- Her issue isn’t that she really really needs to be nude around her friends. It her not wanting external factors to put boundaries in her life. She had issues during her childhood that really made her want to be independent and self sufficient. So I’d like for her to trust me to be there while she goes through the process of wanting to set boundaries on herself for me but that means I should trust her first.
- She’s free spirited in a way that she can’t really be domesticated/owned. That’s what intrigues me about her. There’s something about someone consciously and mindfully choosing to be with you when their whole being is telling her to just be out there and go with the flow.
Submitted August 04, 2019 at 12:20PM by Stevieewonder https://ift.tt/2MCAhha
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