Ok, so a little background (so I can explain properly the dynamics of our relationship): P (M, 36) and me (F, 39) have been in an on again/off again type of relationship for about three years. Our first year was a hot mess. I just came out of a divorce (my ex husband and I were together for 15 years. We ended things on relatively good terms and still are very supportive of each other and very much see eye to eye in co parenting our three children).
In hindsight, my current relationship with P, started of as an escape. I was incapable of feeling the pain of my divorce and escaped in sex and drugs with P. It's not something I'm very proud of, but that was the reality. We did have a lot of very fun times, but we also fought a lot. He constantly disregarded my boundaries in the beginning of our relationship. He lied to me, about drugs and about his sexual past (regarding safe sex). He took ghb right before he had to drive my home on his motorcycle one time, when I clearly said I didn't want him taking it at that moment. He took off the condom I asked him to wear, mid sex, without my consent. The list goes on, it was bad. I still feel ashamed and stupid that I didn't immediately end it, after seeing so many red flags. It was also a very codependent relationship. With both of us constantly trying to make the other one happy, in very counterproductive ways. I was always trying to 'fix' him, as he has a lot of social anxiety and a great fear of failing at work. He tried to manage that by taking a lot of 'supplements' (such as Kratom, modafinil, testosterone, but also sometimes speed or ghb). He was so hard on himself, constantly wanting to perform. I was always trying to tell him that he didn't need all that stuff, that he was good enough without it. That it's alright to sometimes be tired and just take care of yourself instead of panicking about being tired and taking an upper to perform at work. To make other people happy. He didn't appreciate this at all, claiming I was 'breaking' him, wanting him to be weak. He was trying to make me happy by giving me the sex he thought I wanted (to be dominated a bit). But he felt he couldn't do that without... you guessed it...a supplement. So, he was taking drugs 'for me', or 'for work', not for his own pleasure. He didn't like it at all, he said. Also, the first few months of our relationship, he didn't trust me. He knew I had been in an open marriage. He knew I was a little submissive and very open sexually. And he concluded that I was a slut, and sluts can't be trusted. I already said it was bad...
After about a year I had enough. I broke it off with him. He then wouldn't leave me alone. In the beginning he was furious, later on he was just in a lot of pain. He couldn't accept the break-up. I had to block him on my phone, on Fb... Everywhere. And still he managed to send me messages, from his mom's phone, his dad's Fb, via Pinterest, or he would just leave me voicemails. This went on for three months. I was also in a lot of pain, these three months. Despite everything, I loved him. And I hated that he was falling apart, begging me to please talk to him. Saying I was the love of his life, that everything would be different if I would just take him back. After three months, I couldn't be strong anymore. I just wanted to talk to him and see if something could be salvaged. Soon enough, we started dating again. And things did change. We didn't do drugs anymore (apart from the occasional party). He still took some supplements, but in much lower doses than before. He also was better at respecting my boundaries. (Although he still had problems with being true to his word. He would still frequently say he was or wasn't going to do something and then do the complete opposite. He said I should learn to live with that, because he can always change his mind.) The biggest problem in our relationship right now is, we both have issues with self love and self esteem.
In the past two years I have been working hard on healing myself. I have a deep seated fear of never being good enough and not being heard. I am aware of this. I also am aware that because of this, I am sometimes a bit 'needy'. I like knowing what to expect, especially when it comes to planning dates. I also like knowing what the other person is feeling or thinking, so we can connect better. I have had a lot of therapy this past year, and feel like I am on the right track though. I also listen to affirmations a lot, and practice Tantra as a way to connect more deeply to myself, to love myself more and to be more present in my body instead of being in my head so much. I have been very open to P about my journey and about my own issues. He is aware of them.
A week ago, we wanted to give our relationship another try... (It had been 'over' again, or we were on a break... For a couple of weeks.) But, go very slow this time. We had a good talk, about how we always unknowingly cause the other pain, because we both have issues. Like I said, mine is that I very quickly feel like I'm not good enough, or I'm not being heard. His fear is not being trusted and not being good enough. This is not a great match, because when I panick about not being heard, or not being loved, he thinks I don't trust him... So... We know this is the case. And he also has experienced feelings of neediness and fear of not being good enough himself.
We agreed that we would take it very slow, focus on loving ourselves. We saw each other for a walk a week ago. Then during the week we didn't see each other at all and kept texting to a minimum. I missed him and was struggling a bit to not reach out too much. But I didn't, because I knew it was important to focus on me. And I didn't want to break our agreement on going slow. Especially since I knew he was afraid we would be back to having discussions in no time. In the back of my mind however, there was this annoying little voice telling me that I would loose him forever, because I felt him keeping his distance very clearly. He kept our text conversations short and didn't reach out that much. I ignored that voice, knowing it was my own insecurity, but was very happy when we agreed to see each other on Saturday. I was looking forward to it, maybe a bit too much.
Now, Friday evening, I was having movie night with the kids. I decided to invite P as well (he always likes those evenings). Even though we had agreed to see each other Saturday. Maybe that wasn't very smart of me... He did want to come. I asked if I would still also see him on Saturday, like we talked about. He didn't say no, but he said he might go see a movie by himself instead. I panicked a little, as I had been looking forward to Saturday so much. So I called him and said that I would rather have our date on Saturday, if I had to choose between seeing him alone or with the kids. He was a bit vague, saying it would all work out fine, no worries. I wanted to know exactly what to expect... So I asked him again if I would still see him on Saturday. He agreed. And also still wanted to come to movie night with the kids.
We had a very nice evening. But as soon as the movie ended he stated he wanted to go home. I asked him if he couldn't stay a bit longer to just chat. No, he wanted to go immediately. He didn't want to explain, he just wanted to go. I felt a bit hurt, because I loved having him over so much. I had missed him. And I wanted to understand why he wanted to go that quickly. Did I do something? But at the same time, I knew I had to respect that he wanted to go. I felt very insecure though, and it showed.
Saturday morning I got a text message. Saying he felt very pressured to come over that night. That I just could've trusted that it would've worked out fine. And that he also did not appreciate that I wanted him to stay longer Friday night. I said to him I was sorry. I took responsibility for my emotions/insecurities, saying that it wasn't my intention making him feel pressured, but that I panicked a bit. I wanted to explain to him that some anxiety had been building this whole week. That it wasn't his fault. Those are my emotions and I know I have to deal with them myself. And I did, but when I got scared to not see him on Saturday, I wanted so badly to secure our date. My insecurities took over. He didn't let me explain. He ignored my text messages for the rest of the day, until late in the afternoon. I wasn't texting much, I was just asking him if I could call him (because we had agreed not to have conversations about emotions over text), to explain what caused my anxiety and why I put pressure on our date. I also told him that he wasn't obligated to do anything. When he did respond, he was very angry. Saying there was no point in discussing this over the phone, because my reasons would just be 'childish b.s.' and that I had to deal with it on my own. He said I can't 'lean' on him, I have to 'feel good'. And I have to fix myself. I said I agree that I can't lean on him, that isn't my intention. I just want to explain where things went wrong for me emotionally. I told him again I'm sorry for pressuring you, it wasn't my intention. I said: 'I only wanted to hear you say: I get why that was hard for you. It's good that you recognize where it went wrong and thank you for telling me.' Just like I told him this morning: 'thanks for letting me know you feel pressured. It wasn't my intention, but I can understand why that feels shitty.'
Now, he is so mad at me. Saying I'm 'fucking' with him. He blocked me. I don't understand... As far as I know, I was aware that I screwed up. I let him know. And I only asked for a chance to explain why I was getting so emotional. I even said I knew this had everything to do with my own insecurities.
His stance on this: I should have completely kept him out of this. Stand on my own two feet. Have faith that he loves me and is 'going to see me when he sees me'. He says I have now burdened him with my emotions, pressured him with them. I should have stayed calm and return to feeling good on my own.
I now feel mad at him for not being supportive when I need him. But am also doubting myself... Maybe he is right and I shouldn't 'need' him to understand me. Maybe I should've just apologized and gone about my day.
He now has blocked me on WhatsApp. Saying he is done talking to me for now.
I really don't know what to do when he contacts me again.
One voice in my mind is saying this has been enough. That he can't be there for me emotionally and that I should just not even try to safe this relationship anymore.
The other voice is saying we did agree on standing on our own two feet. And that I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but that I should just try harder to not be insecure.
I could use your insights on how you deal with insecurities and emotions in a relationship, while still focusing on self love and standing on your own?
TL;DR I was feeling very insecure about potentially missing out on a chance to meet up with my bf. He says I should've kept my feelings to myself. I only wanted to explain my behaviour and apologize for it. But maybe I should've tried harder to not be so insecure.
Submitted November 21, 2021 at 12:00AM by Me-wow82 https://ift.tt/3DzguXs
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