This is going to be a long one and a really annoying post. I've (25f) been married to him (31m) for three years. I'm totally aware that I am a cliche and probably had all of this coming to me as well.
I worked with my husband for about a year and a half before we started dating. He wasn't a coworker I really knew well, but I worked with him a lot and we got along. The agency I worked for had pretty close knit groups because of the nature of the job. I would say we became friends less than a month and started dating the next (He was leaving for the military in 6 months. AGAIN i know I'm a cliche). The problem was I didn't really think we were in enough of a relationship to even consider it a relationship until a few months. Mainly because we were just hooking up and it was never obvious when we were around our friends. When I finally had a heart to heart with him about our relationship a few months in, he told me he loved me like minutes into that conversation.
He went to boot camp and I accepted a new position, had a few side gigs, was volunteering for youth sports teams, and was doing very well. Of course I missed my (boyfriend at the time), but I was doing so many things and was probably the happiest I had been. I went to his graduation, was excited for him, and even thought our relationship was new I discovered that I didn't mind doing long distance as long as it worked.
Well he went to training after graduation and found out he was going to be stationed across the states. Which was fine! I said I would visit him and such. About 8 months into our relationship, we talked about marriage and if it would be an option in the future. I told him I did not plan to quit my job and just follow him around. He agreed. Apparently his mom and my mom got into it a little because his mom was saying it would be so wonderful when I moved with him (as in right after he graduated training) and my mom was like, uhhh I think she's staying home for a while. His mom thought it was ridiculous and my mom kind of just backed away slowly.
So as you can guess, literally weeks before he's supposed to move cross country he tells me he thinks it would be better if I would just move with him. I can take my time to find a job and everything will be great. I still don't know why I did it, but I gave in and moved and We got married days before we left. I had family members that told me I should be able to do what I wanted, my mom was frustrated when I spoke to her about leaving versus staying and she basically told me to just leave if that's easiest. I had one good friend who sat me down and told me I was making a mistake and destroying my career for it.
In the first four months, I was looking for jobs in the same field and learned the hard way that it wasn't possible without a master's degree. There were jobs I applied for that had 5,000+ applicants. There were a couple 10,000'ers. I went to interviews and was turned down for basic entry level jobs for people with years of experience. I finally found a job on base but it took almost a year. During those first four months I lost maybe 35 pounds. I'm 6' and was 155 pounds when I left so I was basically bones when we visited home the first time. I remember my husband was upset that I couldn't find a job so I ate bare minimum to save money. Clothes were falling off of me, but he would get mad when I spend $20 at marshalls for jeans and would go through the trash to find tags. I think I was pretty depressed just being reject constantly so it was harder to get out of bed and put effort into myself as well. When I mentioned this later because I was upset about it, he said he didn't notice (which is bullshit, he just didn't care)
There were a lot of things that made him a shitty husband in that first years and I can't seem to get over the resent even after two years. So much so that I get angry in spurts and don't want to be around him. I think he's sorry and he's told me that he knows he was a bad husband. But this resentment is eating me alive. There was a lot of red flags that I think it was expected that I would just forgive and forget, but it's been impossible. There are times that I brought up that I almost left when things were bad and it seemed to effect him. When I would get upset and confront him about things, he would get extremely distraught and start crying, then I would have to comfort him.
My issue now is that when I pull away, he seems to try and pull me back. Recently he got a job offer in a city I've been dreaming of living in(It's still military affiliated and apparently he has a say in when he could move or something?). I dropped out of school to save money so I could pick back up when we got there, started applying for jobs, putting a lot of effort into this. We both hate where we are now so this was like a godsend. A few weeks ago he admitted he really didn't want to accept the job and wanted to move to our home state in high cost of living city. He said his plan is to extend his contract a year and then get a job. I wouldn't be able to go to school right away and finding a job would be difficult again and it basically puts my goals on hold for a year.
I told him that I'm applying for jobs out of state and am leaving as soon as I find something and he agrees I should do that and we should start planning our future so we are living in the same city within a year. But everything in me in pulling to use that time to separate and divorce. Just as soon as my dreams for this other city were squashed, it was like the effort I wanted to put in my marriage was gone. Added with past resentment, I can't even force myself to care. I've noticed that I will find any excuse to leave, like we have condoms missing from his drawer, but I don't think he's cheating I just kind of hope he is so I have that excuse?
How do I start this conversation with him? I know he's going to go ballistic, start making effort, just to go back to his same ways a few weeks later. And I know he's going to trying to get me to comfort him through it to try to change my mind. Am I even right in feeling this way? I am so afraid that in ten years the things I am feeling now are just going to snowball and I'm going to be wasting years of my life.
Tldr: Husband was shitty to me in first year of marriage. I can't get over some of the things that happened and am afraid I never will. I'm really afraid that to tell him I want a divorce because he's going to fight it. I'm afraid he's more afraid of being alone than he wants to be a husband.
EDIT: This was NOT a move to get out of the dorms either. The base we're at has extremely limited dorms so he knew way before of time that he wouldn't be in them. Everyone he graduated with that wasn't married got BAH almost immediately. Just to get it out of the way.
Submitted August 05, 2019 at 07:22PM by bronzehelper3 https://ift.tt/2YyOmn7
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