The mother (40F) of my son's (8M) best friend (8M) invites her daughter (5F) over to my (40F) house when I invite her son to my house and I don't know how to handle this.

I am a solo single mother to an 8 year old, Will. During COVID we sort of bubbled with his best friend, Cody's, family. During that time I invited Cody's little 5 year old sister, Mary, over to play a time or two and also one evening for a movie night so Cody's parents could have a date night if they wanted. All those invites were initiated by me and I planned for them (bought snacks, cleaned beforehand, was ready to be available to help and guide activity as the sister is only 5) and I love having kids over.

However, now when I invite Cody over for a sleepover, his mom, Beth, directly asks me if Mary can come play too. Or she has Mary ask me directly. This occurs at either the time of drop off or the time of pick up or both. And I said yes for gosh maybe a year, but I really need my weekend time to clean, plan meals, do laundry and do the work of life so I can be available for my son when the sleepover/playdate is over. And the whole time Mary and her mom are over I am being asked to watch Mary do this or that or to get her a snack or a new snack or a bandaid for a boo boo or I am chatting with the mother. And I really do enjoy the mother's company, just not for 30-90 minutes when I didn't plan for it or invite her over, when I need to be making dinner or moving laundry over or cleaning bathrooms or tackling my to-do list.

Several months ago, Beth let me know she and her husband had an emergency and asked if I could watch the kids while they cleaned up ceiling that had fallen onto their car and garage. Of course I said yes, but my ex husband was over visiting our son and so I said I wouldn't be able to watch them until noon when he had planned to leave. Well at noon, Beth brought the kids over and let me know they had cleaned it all up while the kids played inside, but that she didn't get a chance to run the errands she had planned on that morning. And I was totally struck silent by this information since I run errands with my son because errands are a part of life. And I started to feel resentful that I was spending my afternoon babysitting her kids while she went and bought school supplies - which I had not had a chance to do yet.

She also asked if I could have her kids over for a movie night when she had a work party to go to. And it's fine to ask, but that day didn't work for me. I only issue those sorts of invites when my boyfriend isn't available and when I am pretty on top of my household workload. But it felt like she was expecting me to say yes and like that was her babysitting plan for the night.

At the fall festival, I arrived early and my son was done with the activities and I had him stand in a food truck line while I stood in a different one (I'm teaching him to order and purchase and pick up his own food). And we went to the playground to eat and for him to play. When Beth, her husband, Cody and Mary arrived, Beth's husband went to get in line for food and Beth said "Can you keep an eye on Cody." and I said yes - he was literally playing with my son and they are both 8 and inseparable, so to find my son (which I can do easily) is to also find Cody with in a second. And then she adds "And Mary is here somewhere too" And I immediately said "I don't know what she looks like" as all the kids are in costume. And Beth said "She's a dragon". And its night, and there are kids everywhere. Like 50 kids all in costume and it's dark. And I said "I won't be able to find her" and Beth point her out and her head was covered and I was literally NEVER going to figure out which one she was without her getting pointed out. And then Beth got into line with her husband while I watched their kids.

I don't expect any special treatment from friends or society or life as a single mother, but the reality is that there is no second parent to watch my son while I run errands or stand in line to get food at his fall festival. I take my son with me on errands and have him stand in line to get food. It makes me feel resentful and dumped upon to be asked or told to watch or host a child when I did not offer. Moreso when Cody and Mary's mother AND father let me watch their children while they go stand in the same line together. I may be selfish and petty to think that one of them should be watching their own children.

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Things I have tried:

1) Saying "no, today won't work" when asked if Mary can come play, and one time that was fine, but the second time, Beth BROUGHT MARY and Beth came in the front door and told her 5 year old that she had to wait in the front yard because I said she couldn't come in. And I stood my ground. So Mary whined from the front yard through the slightly open door.

2) Saying it's fine for Mary to come in and play as long as Beth watches her because right now I'm in a conference (which I was). Mary and Beth didn't stay long.

3) I have started hosting other boys over for playdates to help my son broaden and diversify his social network, but my son's super best bestie is Cody. I don't want to just stop inviting him over. Cody is a super easy child. Playdates and sleepovers with him are a delight. He is respectful, listens and does what I ask.

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Mary does not do what she is told. She pouts and whines and demands a new snack when she doesn't like the options I offer (now I only offer an apple or a cheese stick and nothing else - I read 'if you're not hungry for an apple, you're not hungry"). She is more difficult on the difficult spectrum than my son or her brother, but she is only 5.

I just need a strategy for not getting dumped on or learning to not feel resentful about it. I totally get that I might be so caught up in negativity, that I could just be spiraling in resentment when this is all totally normal. I invite siblings over and it's never been an issue like this. Is this normal and I just need to change my attitude about it? Is there something I can say?

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TL;DR: The mother (40F) of my son's (8M) best friend (8M) invites her daughter (5F) over to my (40F) house when I invite her son to my house and I feel resentful and I don't know how to handle this.

Submitted November 23, 2021 at 09:39PM by gretawasright https://ift.tt/30WkRxu