My (35f) husband (34m) has anger issues and every time he gets angry at me unreasonably I bring up an affair.

Married 8 years. 2 years ago husband had an emotional affair with admin assistant in his department (she has since moved to another company and another state). I happened upon some emails after it had already ended (I was using his old computer and he was still logged in to email there).

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It became obvious quickly that he was speaking inappropriately (I love you, I miss you, you are my sunshine) to some woman that wasn't me. And she was doing the same. She was younger, married, and had a young child. He said it was a stupid work fantasy and nothing had ever physically. He said they both started to feel guilty and decided to stop it, and she moved soon after.

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This really hurt me. He was living a double life at work for at least 4 months and I had no idea. No clue at all. I had no idea he would speak to another woman that way. Anyway, we went to therapy, I stayed, he was remorseful and she was out of the picture.

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But he has always had anger issues. He has gone for therapy before and he's on medication, but seriously -- he still gets irrationally angry (at me, or blames me somehow if it's NOT me). I hate this and always have. But now I just have no tolerance for it. Any time he pulls this, I end up bringing up the affair (I call it an affair because it was emotionally cheating and speaking romantically to another woman behind my back).

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An example of how this looks:

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Him: goddamnit, I asked you to give me a pair of scissors and these ones are so dull I can't cut anything. Why did you give these to me? Why do you keep scissors that don't even work in the house? Do I have to do everything?

Me: don't speak to me that way. If you want a maid to make sure you get the right scissors, maybe you need a secretary. You'll probably just start something up with her too, right? You're a total cheater and you have no right to speak to me like I'm your servant.

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Obviously this isn't ideal. He accuses me of constantly throwing the affair in his face and that we can't move on from it when I do this. He also says it makes him want to cheat on me because I treat him like he took her off to the nearest motel when he didn't, so he may as well have. He's being blamed for it anyway.

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I don't know how to stop doing this. I'm wondering actually if we should just give up and divorce?

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tldr: husband had an emotional entanglement with a secretary behind my back and now every time he gets mad at me I throw it in his face (2 years now).

Submitted December 04, 2019 at 07:26PM by ClearStuff5 https://ift.tt/367hcdu