My (35/M) wife (35/F) of five years no longer wants to be in an open relationship now that I've had sex with someone else for the first time in the two years since she had asked if we could give it a try.

First I want to make clear on the fact that I love my wife. I had never been physical with anyone else since we got together ten years ago. The idea of an open relationship had never so much as crossed my mind until she had suggested it. At the time we were so focused on our twins (3/F) and (3/M) that we had no time for our marriage and there was undoubtedly a bit of emotional distance which then turned into a lot after we had failed to address it early on. We finally had a long and honest conversation about what to do. I suggested we designate at least one night a week that we go on a date. Both of our families lived close and had expressed interest in babysitting for us on multiple occasions. We could also have hired a sitter or a part-time nanny for date nights.

My wife was receptive to the idea. We tried it out for a couple of months and it went well, I thought. I felt closer to her like before we had the twins and she was all smiles and laughter again. The emotional distance was no more. Our sex life had also improved. Things were good. Then ... she asked if we could have a "serious talk" after work one night. I figured that it had something to do with the twins, so I was initially very worried but she reassured me that the twins were utterly okay. Instead she explained that she had been reading up on open relationships. She provided me with various articles, books, podcasts, etc., that have to do with the topic. I could tell where she was headed but I wanted her to say it with words. She finally did.

Something along the lines of, "Let's give it a try and see how it goes. We can write down some rules and guidelines like no coworkers or friends or anyone we know well enough that we would run into them. And only sex. No emotions involved."

She had explained it a little better than that, but that was pretty much what it came down to.

At the time I didn't know how to process the suggestion. I had never been in an open relationship before. I had no desire to be in one. But I could tell that she was serious about it, so I gave it some thought for a couple of weeks and then came to the decision that it was at least worth a shot. It didn't mean we were going to be fucking other people every other day or even remotely close to that. Just ... if the opportunity arose, we wouldn't immediately turn it down like we had before. I would say I can be pretty openminded. A few of our friends were in (and still are in) open relationships at the time, so the suggestion wasn't a complete departure.

For months neither of us acted on it. But the fact that we could have acted on it had drastically improved our marriage in a very real way. I guess just in terms of ... liberation? Not sure how to describe the feeling but it was there. We had talked about it and we had both agreed that we felt more in love with each other than ever before. There was one instance on a work trip when a woman at the airport had flirted with me at the gate. I was on a work trip (alone but still work related) so at no point did I consider getting her information but I did flirt back and it felt good. It just ... wasn't a big deal. I spoke to my wife about it and she told me that she had flirted with another man as well and we both just laughed at how high school we sounded in that moment.

Some weeks later she told me that someone had asked her out and that she had explained our situation to them, but she wanted to know if I was okay with it before proceeding. Apparently it was just going to be dinner. A quick date just to see if she truly has the desire to be sexual with someone else. I told her that I was okay with it. She went out with the guy and came home a few hours later telling me that they had kissed and that she had felt a connection but not an emotional one by any means. Only sexual like we had agreed.

Anyway I don't want to go on for too long. Basically she has had sex with three other men (multiple times each) since we opened our marriage. I'm okay with that. Until a few days ago I hadn't actually had sex with any other women, which was mostly due to the fact that I didn't want to force myself into it with just anyone. It had to be someone I was attracted to. I had to feel a sexual connection with them before taking that step, which I hadn't before this one woman that I had met at an art show a few weeks ago. I told my wife about her and explained that this woman is also in an open relationship, so it was actually kind of perfect in the sense that we both knew there was no worry of either of us catching feelings.

My wife seemed okay with it. She told me to have fun on the date and that was that. We went out on a date and ended up having sex by the end. I came home the following morning and told my wife what happened. She had suspected as much given that I had stayed out all night, which I previously hadn't. We were allowed to spend the night with our other sexual partners. I had also sent her a text message to let her know that I wasn't going to be coming home that night, so it wasn't as though I had left her waiting. But the way she spoke to me in the kitchen after my shower ... she may as well have just accused me of cheating. I was confused by her reaction. The folded arms, the accusing looks, etc. When I asked if she was okay, she pursed her lips for a moment and then just curtly said something along the lines of, "I guess I have to be okay, don't I?"

After reassuring her that I felt no emotional attachment towards this other woman, she seemed to relax a bit. I could tell she was still upset, but that she probably didn't want to expand on her concerns because she knew that I hadn't actually done anything wrong in terms of what we had agreed on. I suggested we sit down and talk it out after breakfast. We took to our favourite breakfast spot and then talked at home afterwards. She told me that she hadn't slept all night and that I looked "too happy" walking through the door after I had returned from my date, which had triggered her a bit. Suddenly our open relationship had become "very real" for her in a way that she had never expected. I asked what she meant. Did she expect that I would never have sex with any other women? Or did she expect that she wouldn't care if I did? She said it was a bit of both. Because I hadn't taken advantage of the opportunity sooner, she had grown used to being the only one, in a sense. She also explained that because she hadn't had sex with anyone else in well over a year, she had almost subconsciously thought that we were closed again. We had never stated it with words but that was just how she had felt deep down, but she had no idea that she felt that way until I had sent her that text message saying that I wasn't going to be coming home the previous night.

I asked if she still wanted to be in an open relationship. She said she needed time to think it over. I've given her space to think it through. It's been a few days. Last night she approached me after dinner and stated that she no longer wants to be open. I was a little disappointed to hear it, simply because there was such a huge gap in our experiences. And the way she worded it felt a little like she was trying to guilt me for doing exactly what we had agreed we would do. I had never guilted her after one of her dates. That was never the energy. But she certainly had that energy towards me. In any case, I love my wife, so of course I've agreed to close our marriage again.

Now that I've slept on it, I guess I just feel a bit ... manipulated? Not because she changed her mind (which is allowed) but because she had tried to guilt me. The folded arms, the accusing looks, the curt statements, etc. And apart from asking if we could talk after dinner last night, every step of trying to work through this was taken by me. Maybe she was a little bit embarrassed for having changed her mind after just one instance in which I had spent the night with someone else. It's confusing for me given that she had previously been so encouraging in the past. Oh and when I asked her if she wanted to go to Whistler for her birthday (in two weeks) she passive aggressively said, "I'm surprised you even remembered." At what point in the past ten years have I ever once let her birthday slip my mind?

Not one time.

I don't know. Her energy is just weird right now. I can tell she wants me to feel bad for what happened. But I refuse. I had a fun night. Am I suddenly going to have sex with every woman who offers? Of course not. Maybe it's because I took care to wait and to find someone suitable for our situation that my wife is now decidedly uncomfortable. Whatever the case ... it feels unfair for her to now treat me this way.

I would like to ask her why she's acting like this but I don't know how to word it in a way that is clear and concise without coming across accusatory or as though I feel she has been overreacting. Because of course, we're all allowed to change our minds. It's okay to have emotional responses sometimes. But it's been days and she's still being passive aggressive.

tl;dr I'm okay with closing the relationship again, but I feel pretty manipulated at this point given that she has had sex with multiple different men in the past two years and I've never once guilted for it. The way she's treating me, it's as if I cheated or did something just as wrong, which simply isn't the case at all.

Submitted September 04, 2019 at 03:57AM by crazyincident https://ift.tt/32o8x4o