I know that people will tell me to leave my husband. But the thought of it makes me shake and I can’t breathe when I think of what I have to do. My problems are I don’t know what steps to take now and how to deal with things. I am a massive mess of confusion, so I apologize if everything seems out of order or unclear.
I have been with my husband since I was 14 years old, he was my first boyfriend and the only boy/man I have ever loved. I always knew he had a temper, but never a bad one and it was never physical. We got married when we were both about 28 years old. We waited till we both had established our respective careers and bought our first home. About a year after getting married, his temper started flaring up worse. He would start kicking and hitting things (the rubbish bin, sofa). He would then walk out to cool off. It would always be small things, like if he had a bad day at work and came home and I wasn’t smiling cause I also had a bad day. I dealt with it, he never hit me. It would mainly be shouting and calling me names.
It escalated from then on. I fell pregnant about 4 years ago and we have a little girl. When I was about 5 months pregnant, he got angry again and grabbed my arm quite roughly. It bruised for a few days. That was the only time he has ever bruised me. He has grabbed my shoulders, my face, shoved me about 2-3 times since then. What hurts most though, are the names he calls me. Pig, stupid, etc.
When I was 17 years old, I was diagnosed with cancer. I don’t want to go into detail here as I need to avoid someone recognizing this. I had a rough time with the treatment but thankfully, I made a full recovery and am till now, cancer free. My husband (then boyfriend) was my rock. He helped me so much. I have had some after effects that have started to appear in the past few years from it. My husband, when angry, makes fun of it and tells me the chemicals have ruined my brain. He then tells me this makes me do stupid things, which in turn make him angry. Basically, blaming his anger on me.
He has never hit out daughter, but he has shouted at her and he tells me when she is older and disobeys him he will hit her. This is why I must leave, she cannot grow up with this. I think I have always known he has not treated me right, but it has never really occurred to me that it was abuse. Not until I made a passing comment about his anger to a close friend, who was shocked and I think at that point I had reached my limit so everything spilled out.
Now, I’m at a point where I don’t know how to go through with things that I know I must do. I shake and struggle to breathe when I think about asking for a divorce, or leaving. After he explodes or rages, he has brief periods of calm and everything is great. He is the perfect husband. Right now, he is in that period, he is his normal self. That’s why I am confused and hesitant. It’s as if I have imagined everything and it is difficult to constantly remind myself that he will eventually get angry at me again. I guess my problem is, I don’t know how to reconcile the image of the man I know now with the person I knew before. Is it possible to deal with this or should I try and take the steps to leave?
Tldr; My husband has moments of rage and can be very mean. I don’t know what to do.
Submitted September 03, 2019 at 08:56PM by Throwsawaypinks111 https://ift.tt/32p0C6W
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