I’m [19F] in an extremely abusive situation with my [21M] husband of ~2 years. I just need some advice, or someone to listen

TL;DR: Stuck in an abusive relationship with no resources to get out. Just need some advice, or just for someone to tell me that I'm not crazy, evil, and worthless.

Posting on a throwaway, obviously. This is extremely difficult for me to write, but I'm going to try to be clear and concise.

I know from the title people are already going to be wondering why I'm married at 19, so I'll start there. My husband and I are Muslim, and in our culture arranged marriages are still the norm. We also tend to marry a lot younger. It isn't uncommon for people to marry total strangers which they've only met a few times, and dating is a big no-no so generally we go straight to marriage if we like each other--this was the case for us. We married after knowing each other for ~3 months. We were both happy with this at the time, as was his family (mine isn't in the picture). we've been together for a year and a half since.

However, early on after moving in with each other, problems began. We had lots of problems with communication, which is common for every couple. However, it was all very one-sided. I'm extremely open with my feelings and I feel like I'm good at communicating them. I try to keep a level head, use "I feel statements," not use any insults, etc. However, my husband could not communicate to me about any issues he had whatsoever, big or small. He would instead ignore me anytime something was bothering him. When I see him like this (brooding/glaring and not speaking to me), I always start out kissing on him and asking him what's wrong, do you need to talk, etc.

This always made him furious. He would ignore me as long as possible, but no matter what I did (trying to talk, giving him space, whatever) he'd end up cursing and yelling at me. There were several instances in our first apartment when he would pack up his bags and leave the house, telling me to never speak to him again. He'd get angry at me for trying to talk to him, then use that anger to unleash just pure evil. Normally I would never even find out why he was annoyed to begin with. He would just tell me how his life would be so much better with a wife from his own country, how I'm selfish/lazy/stupid, how I don't do anything for him and he doesn't need me, etc.

We moved into our own place without roommates hoping things would get better, but it's gotten worse every day since. Reading my old diary entries at this point, I talked a lot about how unloved I felt. He was constantly degrading me during our fights, and neglecting me outside of them. He's really against holding my hand or showing me physical affection, leaves me behind and doesn't talk to me when we're out with his family, doesn't like talking to me when we're alone (interrupts me often when he gets bored of listening to me, goes silent when I talk about things I'm interested in instead of having a conversation with me, etc.), doesn't reciprocate my physical affection (he lets me touch him and cuddle him in bed but doesn't do anything back), and even stopped having sex with me for a while. I wrote this a few months ago:

I don’t feel like [husband] sees me as a real human person with feelings, dreams, hopes, etc. that matter. I feel like he really does just see me as some.... thing that follows him around and hangs out with him. I think that ‘pet’ is the best possible description. He plays with me, feeds me, cuddles me, etc. but he doesn’t view me as anything more important than that. I don’t ever feel like he cares about anything in my head. When we’re together and talking, he’s never interested in anything I have to say. He doesn’t ask me questions or respond to things that I say, he just kind of stays quiet. It feels like he’s just waiting for me to run out of steam and be quiet rather than listening to me or caring at all about what I say. Sometimes I can tell he’s been unfocused for so long that he has no clue what the topic of conversation is anymore, and I’ll try to say something to him and he’s totally lost. It really fucks with my confidence. I find myself apologizing for talking before I’ve even gotten into it, keeping most of my thoughts/stories to myself, and I’m just starting to believe myself that I don’t have anything worth saying. I think that he only views me in terms of usefulness rather than love. He’s said to me before how I don’t do anything, I don’t work hard, I’m not good for anything, I don’t do anything for him, and how he could just have a [his country] wife that would be the perfect wife. He says cruel things like that often, and I spend a lot of time repeating them to myself in my head. I just can’t get them out. The line about the [his country] wife has been causing me the most heartache, because that’s been such a huge insecurity of mine for so long. I feel like a failure as a wife, a Muslim, and a human.

Around this point, our arguments got explosive. We spent hours on hours just screaming at each other over God knows what. One day I called a mutual friend to get me from the house because he was scaring me so much. I tried to leave and he blocked the door. I'm too small to move him, but when I'd try to he would grab my body and throw me on the ground. He pinned me down at one point; I jerked my arm instinctively and hit him in the gut. He hit me in the face and started screaming at me for hurting him. I don't remember how I got out, when our friend got me he was telling me that my husband says he has me completely under his control and I'll do anything he wants. He tried to get me to leave but I refused and went home (I know). We had many more fights where he barricaded me in the house and would throw me if I tried to run out. I even tried to jump out the window once, and screaming for help from my neighbors.

After and during these fights I'd have to listen to a lot of stuff about how terrible of an excuse for a human I am. I even started writing them down at one point:

• i’m stupid, fking retded

• i’m selfish as a person, only give a f*ck about myself

• i don’t do anything for him, he doesn’t need me

• i’m not normal (what’s wrong with you, why can’t you be normal) [hurtful because of my mental history]

• i must have not been doing enough for [ex-bf] for him to cheat on me and abuse me

• people don’t like to be around me, i ruin fun times

• he’s embarrassed of me

• i don’t work hard or do anything

• my love is fake, i don’t care about him

• he hates the ‘evil inside me’

• (grabbing my butt) where’s the meat? [very insecure about my small butt]

• i don’t give a f*ck about you

• i’m not your husband

• i could have a [my country] wife who would do everything i wanted

• just sit there, that’s all you’re good for

• i hope you die

• you’re tying me down, you’re holding me back

• i hate you

• don’t call me no f**king [pet name from his language] (after I called him that]

• i just want to come up behind you and hit you in the head with a sledgehammer

• the things you do do in your life you don’t even do right

• this is why no one gives a f**k about you

• you just keep making my life miserable

• you’re nothing but a burden

• all you’re good for is cleaning, you don’t do anything else

• you don't have any friends, nobody even texts you but your mom

• this is why you don’t put time into b**ches

• you can’t do anything by yourself

• you’re evil, there’s a darkness in you

• if i would’ve known this day would come i never would have married you

• f**ked up in the head

• nothing good ever comes out of you

• fa**ot

• not a real muslim, kafir [unbeliever--extremely hurtful to me as I'm very religious and love Allah and Islam and try to be a good Muslim]

• you’re nothing without me, i don’t need you, you need me you’re not sh*t, you’re just a random normal girl out of 8 billion people. you ain’t nothing

• trailer park trash

• can’t function as a woman or wife

• cheap piece of sht/worthless piece of sht/piece of trash

• you’re not meant for anything, you’re only meant to live off of someone else and have no life

• fck you and fck your family, you’re just like your dad. you get all of this shi* from your evil a*s family

• you’re nobody, you’ve always been nobody

• everything you have is because of me and you’re going to lose everything because of me. no more [our best friend], no more parents, nothing [his parents are my only family as mine disowned me]

• shut the fck up before i backhand the fck out of you

• i’ll get you. i don’t care if it takes 5 years or if i have to hire someone but i’ll f**king get you

• i’m gonna fu**ing kill you

• you’re sick, everyone thinks so

• you’re fake, false, not real. nothing will ever make me think you’re real again

• you look like a f*king donkey with that ugly as face

• if you leave [me] i’m gonna beat the f*ck out of you, i don’t care if i have to leave the state. i’m gonna break your phone then i’m gonna break your face

• we’re not really married because Allah knew we shouldn’t be [we're married Islamically but our legal wedding is next year]

• you are trash, you came from trash, and you’ll always be trash

• whre, slt, sknk, cnt

• h*es like you fall outta my pocket every day

• i only f**k you because i need to. you know like a dog eats cuz it’s hungry, i don’t have any care or respect for you

The longer this has gone on, the worse my mental state has gotten. I have clinical depression, diagnosed when I was 11. It's been a lifelong struggle, but now it's worse than ever and I've gotten dangerously close to killing myself. I've been self-harming as well, an old coping mechanism I had finally quit. My memory is really f**ked up (according to a therapist I saw through a university program for abused women it's a result of PTSD) and I often can't remember our arguments anymore (which is why I've started writing so much). I have extreme anxiety now and hate being around people.

I feel completely hopeless and hated, and I'm so so trapped. I have no money as of right now because my scummy boss hasn't paid me in 2.5 months (struggling to find a new job), I have no friends because I isolated myself from them and they hate me now, I have no family because mine disowned me and hates me as well, and I have no way of paying for my rent/utilities/car/insurance alone. I used to have a lot of money in savings but my husband used it all.

We've gotten other people involved, namely our best friend and his older cousin. This is a message I sent to his cousin (who I like and respect) after a huge fight, also a couple months ago:

"[husband] had his appointment for an x-ray today, which we’ve been waiting for for over a month. he told me before the appointment that he wasn’t going. i told him okay, i’ll call and reschedule. he started getting mad at me, trying to take the phone from my hand, calling me a b**ch and saying that “i’m gonna break my fast and then i’m gonna break you” if i called them. then i got ready to leave (i was in a car accident wednesday and i need to go to the doctor because my head/neck hurt and the police department to get a copy of the report) and he decided that he did want to go to the appointment. i told him it’s almost too late as the appointment was in 10 minutes and he yanked me by the arm to stop me from walking out the door and started calling me a whore, stupid, etc.

we were fighting all day yesterday because he was mad that i felt too sick to eat, and because he asked me to open a door and i didn’t open it up wide enough (after that he started yelling at me for being stupid, said i don’t know how to do anything right, and said i don’t care about him). on the way to the hospital, he was screaming at me the whole time saying that i’m evil, a c*nt, i’m not a real muslim, i’ve never cared about him, my love is fake, im a terrible excuse for a wife and i’ll never know how to be a good one, etc. he put his hand on my eyes while i was driving and wouldn’t take them off until i hit his arm (after which he said he’d kill me), he pulled the parking break while i was going 75 mph down the highway, and he pulled the keys out and stopped the car when the red light i was at turned green, stalling me in the middle of a busy street.

i’ve started going to a therapist because i’ve become extremely suicidal and depressed and begun self harming, and he keeps making fun of me for going and saying that i’ll never be normal because i’m evil inside, and that normal people don’t need pills to be happy (im not on medication but my therapist recommended it). he keeps threatening to hurt me verbally (like threatening to send my head through the windshield again) and by sharply bringing his hand/fist back like he’s about to hit me just to see me flinch. he started screaming at me and calling me a “he as ngga,” “motherfker,” “i’m tired of your sht b*tch,” etc in front of families outside the hospital, and it’s not the first time he’s humiliated me like that in public and made people stare. i’ve had to call friends to pick me up from home because things got so bad, and they’ve tried to get me to pack my bags and run away.

i know that he hates me and i think the only reason we’re still together is because he doesn’t want to hurt the family, but i’ve lost every single one of my friends (because they can’t stand to see me stay in such a toxic relationship anymore), my mental and physical health, my dignity, and all of the happiness and goodness in me. i feel like an empty shell of a person and every day it gets worse. i’m watching myself become emotionless and broken and a bitter, angry, worse person overall. i don’t have any passion anymore, and i dread each new day. the worst part is that my life with him is so secret that i have no one who understands or who i can talk to.

me and [husband] just aren’t good for each other anymore. i don’t want to spend every day of my life being screamed at and berated and made to feel worthless, i don’t want to see what it would be like to have children with someone like that, and i hate the person i’m becoming."

They've told him countless times that his behavior needs to change and what he's doing isn't acceptable, but he says that I'm evil and manipulated everyone into thinking that I'm right, and that I'm the one who needs to change. Our best friend told him that the things he complains about me doing (telling him I want to leave, crying too much, staying silent while he's screaming at me, etc.) are a direct result of the way he treats me, but he wouldn't have it.

Today I tried calling a hotline/shelter for abused women in my city after I fled the house due to another explosive fight, but they only let you in if you've called the police and made a report. I don't have anywhere to go, anyone to talk to, or any hope whatsoever. I've been sitting in my car on the other side of town since morning. My phone is about to die without a charger, so who knows when I'll see responses to this, but any advice or support would mean the world right now because I don't know what to do or where to run.

Submitted August 03, 2019 at 07:37PM by soapytail https://ift.tt/2M0hXiA