My (27m) wife (25f, together 8 years, married 6) refuses to leave our kids (6f and 3m) anywhere with an unrelated man, and it is starting to cause problems with my sister and her husband (30s, together 7 years, married 3)

I posted this on relationship advice last night, but I didn't really get a lot of replies, so I'm cross-posting here to see if there is anything else I am missing. I did get some good advice there, but I am posting it here too just because I would like to hear more viewpoints.

My wife is really protective. We had kids young and she is a wonderful housewife. Our son and daughter are homeschooled and she does a wonderful job of everything. She is a great mother, a wonderful cook, and just the best person I know. I feel happy knowing how safe she keeps our children, even though she is a bit of a helicopter parent. We have a great marriage aside from this issue. Since the kids were born, we have had a policy of never leaving them with any man besides me and their grandfathers. This is mostly her policy and just something I agreed to.

So far, it has worked out fine, but my wife is now refusing to leave the kids with my sister and her husband (30s, married 3 years, pregnant with first kid) at all. We plan to go out of town in a month and my wife is on the verge of cancelling our trip because my dad and his wife (60s, together 1 year, married 6 months) won't be able to take the kids while we are gone. My sister and her husband volunteered to take the kids and they seem like they really would like to, but my wife hates the idea because she is scared of leaving the kids with a man who they aren't related to.

So anyway, my wife went ahead and asked my sister if she could come stay at our house with the kids while we are out of town and if she could leave her husband at their house. My wife explained to her our policy about them not being with unrelated men without us present. Apparently, this offended my sister and she said no, but that they would still be happy to keep our kids at their house. She told my wife that she thought it was rude of her to request that since we are close and her husband has never done anything to make us distrust him. I agree with my sister on this generally, but I don't think she should have been offended. I know my wife doesn't really think sister's husband is a predator, but it's just a blanket policy we have. But then my sister said that we were being sexist towards her husband and that she was hurt that we would leave them with my dad and his wife even though they haven't been married as long (they have only been dating a year and they got married 6 months ago... frankly none of us really care for her but for some reason my wife is more ok with her). I talked to my sister and explained our policy as well and I told her that I trusted her and everything, but it was just a thing my wife had. Sister says they are hurt, but will try to get past it and reiterated to me that she thought we were being sexist against my brother in law. I don't think I agree with her on that and I think my wife just really deeply cares about her kids' safety, so I told her that I didn't think it was sexist and I apologized for anything my wife said to upset them. Hopefully that is enough.

My sister and her husband are close friends of ours and I see no reason why my kids should not be left with them. He is a pediatric nurse and the kids love him, but my wife is absolutely not budging on this. I feel like this is something that she eventually is going to have to get passed. Right now it isn't a big deal since she wanted to homeschool, but I don't like the idea of my kids never being able to go over to any of their friends houses without us. I'm also nervous that if my wife keeps this up, that my sister may get petty over it and not let us ever watch their kid. Our parents have never had a problem with this policy, but my sister seems to think we are being sexist and I guess that makes sense because the policy affects them more than anyone else. Divorce is not an option for me, it is something I don't want and am not even close to ever considering. I just really don't like being in the middle of this situation. I'm looking for a way to help my wife be comfortable with this and at the same time, I don't want to lose my relationship with my sister and her husband, since they are really our best friends.

My questions:

How normal is is for my wife to be this protective and what are things we can do to work on this? Is this something she really needs to be in therapy for? People in relationship_advice said that she should be in therapy, which isn't a thing she is particularly receptive towards. Also, how can I preserve my relationship with my sister and her husband? I don't want to side with her against my wife, but I also don't want her to think that I distrust her and her husband. I feel very caught in the middle of this and I hate it and I just want out.

Some more background details that may or may not be related: my wife and I are religious and my sister and her husband are not at all. They have promised us that they would never talk about religion to our kids and so far they have respected that boundary, though that caused a rift between my sister and wife early on in our marriage. My sister and I are close despite our differences. We have been through a lot together including losing our mom.

tl;dr: wife is being a helicopter parent and is refusing to leave kids around any man if we are not around (even if there will be other people there). I think it is becoming an issue and my sister is now hurt over it.

Submitted April 04, 2019 at 08:39AM by coverforme https://ift.tt/2CXeKtX