I [27] am a gay man that married a trans FtM [26] 6 years ago: Sometimes I wish he was biologically male and I feel horrible for thinking that.

TL;DR: Married a trans FtM, am having thoughts about what if I was with a biological male. Feel super guilty over said thoughts.

Warning: Epic-length post.

This is my greatest secret, my greatest shame, and my most horrible sin. I married an FtM years ago, and as time passes I find myself wishing more and more he was biologically male.

We met when we were young and were at rock bottom. Both of us were emotionally abused and in literal physical danger from the Christians in our communities and families and we bonded over that and shared interests. As most people who start dating young experience we did a lot of growing up; but we found we each grew into even more compatible adults.

We don't really function as two people anymore, more like one super-organism. Yes we can do our own things but with no real friends and no real family all we truly have is each other. I love him and will do so forever. That said, as the years have gone on I find myself thinking more and more about the life I could have had.

When teens in the North were dating and exploring their sexuality I was being beaten. When college students were going out partying and clubbing and expanding their boundaries I was pulling together two shattered lives. Now that I approach 30 I look back and realize I will never have any of those "young adult" things that our modern generation enjoys and grows from.

So I begin to wonder what it would have been like had I not gotten with an FtM but with a biological male. I've dated a few before, and I find I miss things. God forgive me for saying it. With T or no T, either way there is no way with current medical technology to even come close to approximating a human penis. Size, function, semen; all of that. And trust me, as many women can tell you there is a huge, HUGE difference between dildo/strap-on's and the real deal.

More than just sex, I also miss the masculinity my partner seems to lack. (Little things that one gets from being raised male; I blame our BS culture of raising girls to be feminine no matter what.) Beyond that I just miss strong male arms and being taken care of; instead I'm physically larger and the stronger one mentally.

It tears me up inside. I feel like I'm almost betraying who he is. I love him and will never, ever leave him. Neither of us could survive without the other at this point. Co-dependent, most likely, but I can tell you that will never change. I feel like I'm a failure of a partner, a failure of a modern gay man, and a drain on him for not being happy. Sometimes I think I made the wrong choice then I hate myself for thinking that. Alcohol doesn't help much anymore.

We're vers so some of my sexual needs are satisfied but my lack of engagement on the bottom end is causing some frustration for him.

We're not entirely monogamous, we have played with others and he's even stated he'd find it hot if I got with another guy; only rule is he's in the room or I record it for later viewing. But that honestly feels like a huge betrayal, not because it would be another person but because that person would be providing something my partner can't. I don't think I'd be able to do it without breaking inside.

So, if anyone decides to read this novella-length post, I ask you: What do I do? How do I overcome this?

TL;DR: Married a trans FtM, am having thoughts about what if I was with a biological male. Feel super guilty over said thoughts.

Submitted January 02, 2019 at 10:56AM by BreadAndRealButter http://bit.ly/2SsZGtE