I (23F) don’t know if marriage to my husband (30M) is supposed to feel like this, I’ve been dreaming of something better but is it realistic?

Hello all, please be gentle. I’m so confused. I met my now husband when I was vulnerable in many ways; I saw red flags but ignored them. I was in an extreme abuse situation (parents) and it took many years after the police helped me get out to heal and function normally. I was craved for any kind of attention and love and unfortunately met him when I hadn’t even gotten out.

It’s a long story but he recently got diagnosed as having certain mental illnesses. Turns out he also had abusive parents and only now is coming out of denial. I have considered leaving him since last January (2018) and now that it’s 2019, I find myself in the same position where nothing has changed despite his promises. Yesterday he came to the realization that a lot of his behavior was abusive and apologized for being in denial. He also came up with a game plan to improve and wants to check in on me every day to see how he did. He’s also looking at abuser rehab programs.

It all sounds good and I think they’re great steps to take, but I don’t feel much towards him. I think I love him to some extent and we’ve been through a lot together, but it feels like something big is missing and it’s like I’m acting or it’s a big facade. We never had a proper wedding, just went to the courthouse (with much dread in my heart) one morning by ourselves and got the license. Nobody even knows we’re married. I’m rambling, sorry.

I recently have been having these weird sex dreams about people in my past and looking more closely at them, I think my unconscious is trying to tell me something. The parts that linger are about the trust, emotional intimacy, vulnerability, feeling of being protected, and feeling genuinely cared for or cherished. Is this all a pipe dream or do people actually feel that way in relationships? I feel so desperately sad that I have never experienced these feelings.

Thanks for any and all thoughts. This is my first and only relationship and I have zero idea how to date, social skills in that regard, etc.

Tldr; I am in a marriage where I have thought about leaving since last January. I increasingly feel like something is missing and don’t know if it’s a pipe dream or realistic expectation to feel the emotional intimacy and feeling of being cherished that I long for (it’s my first and only relationship).

Submitted January 02, 2019 at 10:24AM by IllustriousHornet9 http://bit.ly/2BV97Lm